Hillarious quotes I have collected
by FelicityT
Summary: I was reading a story a day and there were some very funny quotes in it so I copied them in to 1 document and posted it here. Enjoy


"Well. I was thinking white, silver and blue" I smiled knowing he liked me wearing the colour blue, yet I'd probably wearing white.

"They sound nice" he said trying to sound interested, it would fool others probably, but me, it didn't even come close to fooling me.

"That's what I thought. Like a white wedding dress, with blue and silver decorations. Maybe blue bridesmaid dresses with silver sashes?" I asked knowing he'd agree anyways. I noticed he'd started doodling on the notebook, probably

"Sounds good to me" he smiled.

"And what about riding in on an elephant and having white tuxedos?" I said trying to catch him out.

"Yeah, that sounds-" he paused. "Hey! Are you trying to catch me out?" he smirked. He dropped the pen and turned to face me properly. "Well?"

"Maybe" I blushed hiding my face from him.

"Well, that's not nice, is it!" his fingers reached out and started tickling my sides. This is where I regretted been ticklish.

"So mom and dad hated each other, Uncle Emmett and Aunt Rose had crushes and you and Uncle Jazz were love at first sight, is that about right?"

I grabbed the toast and coffees and made my way over to her. As I got closer she looked up at me and smiled a slightly wobbly smile and patted the floor beside her as she turned back to the orange. I sat myself next to her where she'd designate a spot for me as I hear her starting to ponder the orange again.

"Is an orange named after the place in France, Orange or is the place in France named after AN orange? OR is the place and the fruit orange named after the colour orange? Its like a conspiracy… nobody knows!" I couldn't help but marvel at her train of thought, did she think about trivial things like this all the time, or only when she was drunk? Her thinking was so unique from what I'd picked up on so far, I really need to get to know her more, if just to understand how her mind worked.

She abruptly threw the orange away from her which hurtled into the kitchen cupboard opposite her and rolled away, that orange must have baffled her I laughed to myself as I handed a coffee and a piece of toast to her.

If she'd known that 130K words would equal 498 pages

You're a good kid, Edward. I'm going to trust you with my baby…for now. Don't give me a reason not to, understand?"

"No, sir. I mean…yes, sir," I stammered and my mouth began to feel dry and my palms sweaty.

"We should definitely do this again!" Emmett exclaimed loudly. "Or. . .or. . .or. . ."

"You sound like a seal," Bella laughed.

"I do try," Emmett muttered sarcastically.

"Race? She's a whole different species, Alice! She's not going to fall for a monster like me." I said, quite convinced of the last statement.

"Edward, with all the books you've read in the past hundred years have you never come across the tale, in some form, of Beauty and the Beast? It's everywhere… in the tale of Cyrano De Bergerac, the Frog Prince, Cupid and Psyche, Shrek? They all have one theme in common… a young beautiful human, falls for an incredible, witty or beautiful non-human."

I looked at her through my hands… "Shrek? Honestly?" I asked.

"Well it applies." She said defensively.

"Those are fairy tales, Alice." I said, getting slightly annoyed.

"Oh, right, I forgot… the vampire doesn't believe in mythical tales of fantastic creatures." She said mockingly.

"Hey, can I borrow your jeep?"

"What for?" He was distracted, having a little too much fun forming lumber with his bare hand for Esme's next remodelling project.

"I didn't think Bella would want to run the whole way to the clearing."

"Yeah, sure." He nodded, brushing some saw-dust onto his jeans. "Hey, you mind tossing that tree over here?" Emmett gestured to the doubled topped pine tree that was next to me.

I nodded to him and pulled the small fifty foot tree out of the ground. The roots were weak, and it had a familiar blue ribbon tied to it that Esme used to mark the diseased or unhealthy trees that needed to be taken out and used for other purposes.

Caber-tossing the pine to Emmett, he leapt up to meet it in the air and ran his hands along the trunk removing each branch as it came closer to the ground. In a few seconds, the naked tree lay at his feet, ready to be formed into more two by fours.

"When you were talking to your dad. The other police guy questioned us and Emmett opened his big mouth. Although I think going to jail made him happy, he said something about keeping Eddie company." She said laughing.

"I'm surrounded by insane men." I mumbled.

"That's why we love them. Jasper wanted to join the party but then he remembered that he's their lawyer." She said laughing and handled me a cute maternity pyjama set.

"Who was that?" Edward asked as he came into the kitchen holding a sleeping Nate in his arms. I glared at him again for waking our son up.

"Just the gardener I'm having an affair with." I told him shrugging.

"Oh good…I guess we are even since I'm having an affair with the maid." He said smugly as he placed Nate on the high chair.

"You know you can tell me everything." I said to him.

"I was going to take some for Ava." He mumbled blushing. I let out a giggled and smiled at my son. Ava was Coco, Alice's daughter's, best friend and neighbour. Coco was a grade lower than Romeo, but Ava was in the same class as him. Alice kept on saying how Romeo and Ava are going to end up married and I had no doubt in my mind.

Umm you see the day we got married? While we were drunk more like you were very drunk, and I was little on the sober side."

"Edward…"

"I knew that we were getting married, but I really didn't want to stop you…us. I wanted it so bad, and plus like I said, I was kinda drunk…please baby, don't be mad. Oh and sorry I kept it for so many years, I finally feel like all the weight is lifted."

"You weren't that drunk?" I asked again.

Edward nodded and quickly crashed his lips to mine.

"Wait and minute…you did this knowing what was happening?" I asked waving in between us.

"Hide and seek?" I added to the list of suggestions that Rose and Emmett where currently spouting out as we stood beneath the canopy of the trees, a blanket of fallen leaves beneath our feet. The suggestions so far had been twister and poker from an excited Emmett, who failed to process the fact that we had no twister mat or playing cards. Rose had suggested we go for a walk, gaining a chorus of 'no's' from all of us and a game of catch, at which I refused to take part in. Jacob had backed up my reluctance to play, saying that he didn't feel like a visit to the hospital after I tripped over a branch and broke and arm or leg.

"My names Casey, not kid!" she laughed. I apologised and she began, "Why does elephants have four feets?"

I shrugged my shoulders, stumped.

"Because it would look silly wif six inches." She said before she burst into a round of giggles. I laughed with her, wondering if she actually understood the joke, I was pretty sure that I wouldn't have understood feet and inches at her age.

"Like this, Jasper." I jumped up easily onto his head as a quick stepladder, then up the rest of the height; before hanging the lantern on tree and falling gently onto the ground. Their mouths hung open. I took another lantern and Jas shielded his head with one hand,

"Alice will get angry with me if I steal you all day," He sighed after a moment of sitting together.

"Screw Alice," I whispered.

"I'm sorry – that might get me arrested for incest." I blushed, realizing what I'd said. He laughed lightly, smoothing my hair.

The cover was a picture of me, holding Edward's hand and laughing. I have no _idea _where we were, but had it not been in a gossip rag I would've framed it. The caption on the picture read, "Bella Swan already cheating on her promised one?" I paled.

"W-what?" I yelled loudly. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and ran up to my room. I hit speed dial '1', waiting to hear his voice.

"Hello, my love," His soft voice said, calming me at once. I breathed deeply before answering.

"I need you," I said bluntly and hung up. Ten minutes later, Edward was sitting across from me on my bed. I stared at my hands in my lap, thinking.

"What's wrong?" He murmured, putting a soothing hand on my shoulder.

"Look at this," I seethed, pulling the _People _magazine from behind me. He gasped.

"We'll just have to make a statement," He whispered, pulling me into his arms. I leaned against his chest and let tears roll down my cheeks.

"Why would they think I'm cheating on you with you?"

"Oh great," Rosalie complained, "We're going to end up watching one of Bella's FBI movies again aren't we? The only thing worse than watching an FBI movie with Bella, is going to be watching an FBI movie with Bella and a bunch of FBI agents."

"You should never kick a cow chip on a hot summer's day. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than stuffin' 'im back in. And if you find yerself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. You get all that, little darlin'?" I asked in feigned seriousness, reciting a few old Texan proverbs.

"Hello Bella." He said.

I shook my head and sat down beside him on the sofa.

"Your sister is going to steal your cloths." I told him. "At least I think that's what she is doing."

Alice nodded before going back to her mission.

Edward thought for a moment and then nodded, going back to his book.

"Why is she doing that?" He asked, turning a page.

The way he dealt with Alice was so humorous at times. He was just so used to her.

When I didn't answer he looked up at me over the top of the book curiously.

"Bella?" He prompted.

"Right." She groans, "With your family."

"I don't know why you're so worried."

"It's a nerve-wrecking experience, Edward… meeting the parents is a big deal. And if this were a normal situation, I could at least bake them cookies or cook a meal to impress them, but this is different. I can't exactly stop off at the zoo and pick up a rare breed of zebra for dinner."

"You're one to talk, Mr. I-can-do-absolutely-everything." Bella laughs.

Alice smiles at her, "So he told you about the piano, did he?"

"Piano?" Bella cries exasperatedly, "You play the piano _too?_ What don't you do?"

"Sleep, eat human food." He answers playfully.

There is silence for a moment, before Renee sighs. "You should go back to bed, I'm sorry for waking you. I'll pretend I don't hear you sneak into Bella's room."

"You didn't wake me. I can't sleep."

"Me neither." She sighs, rubbing her red eyes.

Apparently she didn't know everything about vampires.

"Sleep just won't come. I'm so tired I feel as though I haven't slept in decades." She yawned.

He laughs, "I actually haven't slept for decades."

_What?_

Bella looked at me. "I thought you said he was charming."

Emmett just laughed, "I like you." He grabbed Ethan under one arm and Leo under another. "Come on boys. I want to beat you at some video games."

"He just took my kid," said Bella.

"Here," I passed her Sophie, "have one of mine." When she smiled, I put my hand on her lower back to guide her inside.

"Bella?" he said quietly. "You won't leave us, will you?" Damn that woman.

"Look at me." I waited for him to look up. His eyes were glistening with unshed tears. "I love you, and I love Sophie, and you're both stuck with me now whether you like it or not." He nodded and I kissed his cheek. "Now can you do me a favour? I think your dear friend Leo is trying to catch Sophie a fish. Could you tell him that if he succeeds, I'm taking the fish home and leaving him here?"

I chuckled. Those two were either going to end up killing each other or married. Either way the rest of us would get some entertainment from it. As the other guests arrived, I directed them all out back. I didn't know how I was going to get Ethan back there without noticing all of the cars out front.

The fake babies mom turned up just as I was coming around and punched me in the nose, she also got arrested along with the fake babies dad who tried to pull her off me but was mistaken as rioter. Then the Fork's police turned up and arrested me for kidnapping, just as the project planned.

So I was now watching my whole humiliating experience from a cramped cell in Fork's police station next to the big guys who first knocked me out and the fake babies mom who kept giving me the evil eye, man that chick can hit plus the fake babies dad who was surprisingly calm kept talking war with me.

My girlfriend is so going to kill me.

"What did we say about the first sign of insanity?" a voice from behind startled me.

I shrieked and spun around- pelting the intruder with my apple. Truck-Napper looked surprised by the on shot of hazardous fruit but he managed to catch the apple and held it out to me with an angelic smile.

I blushed, embarrassed of my over reaction and my thoughts, and snatched the apple from him with a curt 'thanks.'

.net/s/5433690/3/Welcome_to_the_Real_World_Outtakes

"You slapped me." he breathed, completely shocked.

I rolled my eyes. "I didn't _slap_ you. I simply gave your face a high five. If it was a slap, you'd feel the difference." I heard Leah spewing some kind of nonsense at me, but I didn't care.

"Is anyone going to say what's going on here?" Jasper asked, looking very uncomfortable. This made sense since four out of the seven vampires in the room were extremely worried, one was ecstatic, one was confused and annoyed... and then there was himself, starting to get the feeling that he should be worried too.

**Was I just having another colourful dream? "I'm a little worried about Edward.… Can vampires go into shock?"**

"**Has he been harmed?" Carlisle's voice was suddenly urgent.**

"**No, no," I assured him. "Just… taken by surprise."**

"**I don't understand, Bella."**

"**I think… well, I think that… maybe… I might be . . ." I took a deep breath.**

"**Pregnant."**

"And there goes another vampire into shock," Emmett chuckled.

"_I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand_

_& the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow._

_I wish I had a thousand words for love,_

_but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep & there are no words for that."_

_A loud grunting sound broke me from my reverie. I turned in time to see Edward stumbling back, hands holding onto his stomach as if injured. Then I saw Emmett, massive fists clenched and held at the ready, a disgusted look on his face._

_Oh shit._

_Bag forgotten, I ran towards the small crowd that was now gathering around my boyfriend and his older brother. I had to get in there and intervene. There was no way I would allow Edward getting hauled off to some holding cell for public brawling. _

"_Emmett!" I shouted as loud as I could, hoping to be heard over the now very noisy crowd. Edward was standing up straight, a look of pure shock on his face. His hands were at his side, no longer nursing the injury inflicted by Emmett. _

"_What do you think you're doing?" The shock was now replaced with anger._

"_Hm, let me think. I'm pretty sure I'm about to beat the shit out of you. How could you do that to Bella? How can you even show your _face _in this state while she's in Washington, completely distraught, because of you?"_

"_Dude, Bella's…"_

"_Whatever, man. The time for explanations has passed. I promised Rose I would hurt you the next time I saw you. Now I'm just making good on my word."_

"_Emmett!" I tried again, pushing people aside so I could get to his side._

"_You need to calm down, Em." Edward's hands were raised, as if in surrender._

"_Nope. What I need to do is kick your ass." Emmett was advancing on Edward. The crowd was even larger. If I didn't get through these people soon, security was sure to show up._

"_But you don't understand. Bella's…"_

"_I don't want to hear your excuses, dipshit." _

_I had finally managed to squeeze past the remaining people blocking me from the Cullen boys. While I wanted to go to Edward and comfort him, I knew I had to talk to Emmett first. He was in a fit of rage, red faced and lips drawn tight as he prepared to fight his own brother for my honour. It was touching, but unnecessary._

"_Emmett, you need to stop." I placed my hand on his bulging bicep, trying my best to push it down. _

"_Sorry ma'am, but you see, my brother here totally screwed over his girlfriend. And _not _in a good way."_

"_I know, but it's ok. He came back to get me. We're back together." Emmett wasn't even looking at me as he tried to shake me off._

"_Her name is Bella, and she's the sweetest damn girl ever. She didn't deserve what my asshole brother did to her…." _

_Clearly, he didn't realize who I was. He thought I was just some good Samaritan come to break up the fight. He felt compelled to explain the situation, but hearing him talk about me like that was bringing tears to my eyes. He was so sweet._

_It was also kind of funny. I could see Edward out of the corner of my eye. He was trying not to laugh, knowing it would only enrage Emmett more._

"_Emmett, it's me. Bella."_

"_Huh?" Emmett stopped short, turning to look at me. His eyes bugged out slightly and his jaw dropped. "Bella?"_

"_Hi." I fluttered my fingers at him._

"_Bella!" All anger forgotten, Emmett lifted me up and hugged me so tightly my back cracked._

_At this point, Edward was busting out laughing. He couldn't hold it in anymore. Seeing Emmett had calmed down, he walked over to us, huge smile on his face._

"_I tried to tell you, man. I went and got Bella back."_

"_Hmph." Emmett turned to give Edward a sour look. "I'm still pissed at you. She may have let you off the hook, but I'm not so easily won over."_

_"That's alright, give it time." I kissed Edward's hand as we went back to retrieve our bags._

_"Emmett?" Edward stopped to look at his brother. "How did you know to come to the airport?"_

_"Alice told me you'd be here."_

_"And she didn't find it important to mention that Bella was with me?"_

_"Guess she forgot to tell me." Emmett cracked a grin._

_I think Alice was hoping Emmett would do exactly what he just did. Scheming girl that she is..._

**This is something that always makes me think of Twilight when I read it, but, I also wish I had someone who would say that to **_**me!**_

**Girl:** Do I ever cross your mind?  
**Boy:** No

**Girl:** Do you like me?  
**Boy:** No

**Girl:** Do you want me?  
**Boy:** No

**Girl:** Would you cry if I left?  
**Boy:** No

**Girl:** Would you live for me?  
**Boy:** No

**Girl:** Would you do anything for me?  
**Boy:** No

**Girl:** Choose-me or your life  
**Boy:** My life

The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...

The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.  
The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.  
The reason I don't want you is because I need you.  
The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.  
The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.  
The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you.  
The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.

**Lessons Learned in **_**Twilight series**_**:**

_1. You can enjoy the banquet while resisting the wine._

_2. The future is not set in stone._

_3. Men are crabby when they're hungry._

_4. Nothing beats an irritable grizzly bear._

_5. True love knows no boundaries._

_6. Some people are just danger magnets. _

_7. Even eternal enemies can work together to save something they love._

_8. Forget the fangs - real vampires sparkle!_

_9. Soul mates exist, even if it takes 100 years to find them._

_10. Porsche 911 Turbos make really great bribes._

_11. Friendship is like the sun on a cloudy day._

_12. Snow just means it's too cold for rain._

_13. Family is about more than just blood._

_14. What's worth doing is worth over-doing._

_15. Losing your temper can be hair-raising._

_16. "Vegetarian" has many meanings._

_17. Even monsters can hold on to their humanity._

_18. There are exceptions to every rule._

_19. Always verify bad news before doing something stupid._

_20. Hearing voices in your head doesn't necessarily mean you're crazy._

_21. Love means being willing to sacrifice your happiness for another's._

_22. Cold hands = Warm heart._

_23. Not breathing is uncomfortable._

_24. Stupid lambs and masochistic lions make quite a pair._

_25. Romeo was an idiot._

_26. Twilight is the saddest and safest time of day._

_27. Extreme sports should not be attempted alone.(preferably jumping off cliffs)_

_28. Life is worth very little without someone to share it with._

_29. Space heaters can be very annoying._

_30. Love can make even the most miserable places paradise(Esme island)_

"I got an idea." Edward said, smiling wickedly. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" He asked Emmett.

Emmett looked confused. "That depends, are you thinking about Rose in a very revealing very silky night gown?" He asked.

"He better not be." Rose and I muttered at the same time.

Edward, you're so fat, people jog around you for exercise." I said seriously before dissolving into giggles.

Edward mouth dropped in shook and he looked slightly hurt.

"No, no." I quickly reassured. "It's a joke." I said, waving the book around for him to see.

He raised an eyebrow. "What's the title?" He asked.

I showed it to him and he smirked as he bent down and picked up the same book from his book pile.

"Bella," He started, reading the book. "You're so fat, that when you were floating in the ocean, Spain claimed you for the New World."

I narrowed my eyes at him and looked at the book for a comeback. "You're so fat, you have to iron your pants on the driveway."

"You're so fat, you have to put on your lipstick with a paint-roller." He countered

"You're so fat that when you bungee jumped, you brought down the bridge too." I retaliated.

"You're so fat, you're legs are like spoiled milk- white and chunky." He smirked.

I widen my eyes and huffed. "You're so fat, that I had to take a train and two buses just to get on your good side."

"You're so stupid, it took you two hours to watch 60 minutes."

"You're so stupid, that when your dad said it was chilly outside, you ran outside with a spoon. Haha, get it? Chilly…_chili_. Haha." I giggled.

He rolled his eyes. "You're so stupid, you tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order."

"I get it! That's funny." I laughed again and this time Edward chuckled along too. "Okay. You're so stupid, that when you got locked in a grocery store, you starved."

"You're so stupid, when you saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, you went home and got 16 of your friends."

"You're so stupid, you sold your car for gasoline money."

"That's unrealistic." He pointed out. "I would never sell my Volvo."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah you would. You're stupid, remember?"

He shook his head. "Fine, you're so stupid that when you wanted to take the 44 bus, you took the 22 bus twice instead."

"You're so ugly that when you joined an ugly contest, they said 'Sorry, no professionals.'" I countered

"You're so ugly, when you looked out the window and got arrested for mooning." He chuckled.

"You're so ugly, they filmed 'Gorilla in the Mist' in your shower." We both laughed at that one.

"You're so ugly even Rice Krispies won't even talk to you."

"Snap, crackle, POP." I giggled. He laughed. "Okay. You're so ugly that you shop for clothes at the…toilet…store…?"

"Toilet store? Really?"He quirked an eyebrow.

People living near an Aberdeenshire building site in 2006 were mystified when a sign apologising for the inconvenience was written in Welsh as well as English. Especially as they lived in Scotland.

"Then why did you call?" I persisted – surely he didn't just call for a chat; that wasn't at all like Jasper. If he really did have a problem that he couldn't discuss over the phone then he would have shown up on my doorstep with several bottles of alcohol in his hands – he had done it before, after all.

"To talk to a friend," he answered shortly. There was another pause whilst I worked out what was the best way to handle this conversation now. I didn't know whether Jasper was really pissed that I had asked him what the hell was going on or whether he was just contemplating something. "I'm coming to New York."

Well, that was one question answered.

Bella heaved out a heavy sigh. "Tell me about it," she agreed. "I turned my phone on after Alice left and I had messages from my manager, my agent and my publicist – I didn't even know I _had_ a publicist."

Edward most likely left a human care sheet with Alice.

1. Make sure she is fed every few hours.

2. She needs 8 hours of sleep per night

3. No werewolves

4. Torture with endless beauty products

I thought for a moment, "I know it's not your real name, so why call yourself Scarlet?"

For a second I thought she was going to refuse to answer, but she surprised me, as usual.

"Well, besides the fact that it's a name, the colour scarlet is usually affiliated with fire, and is generally the colour for passion…" She said, examining her fingernails which were painted scarlet. Her voice was low, sultry, a voice that could draw in whoever was listening, whether they wanted to be drawn in or not.

"Besides," She said abruptly, breaking the spell, "It rolls off the tongue better then crimson or maroon. Alright, my turn." She said, her voice slightly excited.

Things had been…strange between us, since I'd tactlessly announced to him my upcoming nuptials. I don't know what possessed me, but it had just kind of fallen out while I was getting Charlie a quick snack before I had to head up to bed and tell Edward I'd chickened out.

I believe my exact words were, "Here's you popcorn, Edward and I are getting married, love you, see you in the morning, g'night!" And then I'd hurried up the stairs.

I'd had to ask Edward what an aneurysm looked like, because I thought Charlie might have been having one.

Renee was the first to snap out of the stupor, leaning over to whisper, in utter amazement, "Is that...is that a _duck_?"

Emmett's no longer officiating, since Alice wants someone to keep a lookout for any signs of trouble (werewolves, evil homicidal vampires, more ducks, etc.). I'm pretty sure that's just her excuse to keep him from using his position to crack endless jokes during the ceremony.

Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. No one who actually lives here is home, but you'll never guess who _is_.

The duck.

I was just leaving the kitchen with a bowl of cereal after another fruitless search of the downstairs area when he just went quacking past, like he did it every day. I was so surprised, I nearly swallowed my spoon. I had to give myself the Heimlich manoeuvre to stop from choking to death.

Did no one bother to hunt the thing down and let him go?

What is the matter with people?

The duck went hobbling past again. I figure as long as he doesn't bother me, I won't bother him. If no one else went after him, I'm certainly not going to put myself through the trouble of chasing him down.

"Just don't eat anything valuable and don't poop on the carpet," I murmured, my eyes fixed on the beginning credits rolling across the screen.

The duck quacked at me and shuffled out of the room.

There was silence on the other end. My eyes narrowed in suspicion. "I only said 'husband' to emphasize how awful it was for you to disappear on me this morning, so don't you dare enjoy it."

I could practically see him smiling through the phone.

"Are you going to answer me, or not?"

He sighed. "I'm in Nevada."

I blinked. "You're _where_?"

"Don't sound so surprised. I was in Mexico, hunting with Emmett and Jasper. They dragged me out of bed this morning-well, Emmett did most of the dragging, actually-but I thought it better not to protest.

Edward laughed so hard I could barely understand him when he said, "I'll be home as soon as I can. And I'll be sure to call you ahead of time." He suddenly paused. "What's that noise?"

"Oh, that's the duck," I said, settling into my spot on the floor with all the grace of a marionette whose strings had suddenly been cut.

"The _duck_? You mean it's still in the house?"

"Yeah, he's decided that he likes it here. He might actually want to rent a room. Which reminds me, how would you feel about having a pet?"

Just thought of something. What exactly do ducks eat?

"As long as you don't name him Chase Edward Cullen, I'll be happy," I said with a smile.

Bella laughed. "No, no, the girlies at your office do enough _chasing_ of an Edward Cullen."

Geez, Jasper, ever hear of personal boundaries? Who am I kidding? None of us had them with each other. We'd known each other for far too long, plus our years of communal living in Seattle had stripped away what was left of our personal space issues. It wasn't actually the least bit surprising that Jasper just walked into my house uninvited. I would have been more surprised had he waited for me to answer the door.

"Well, then I'm buying that girl a drink or a car or maybe her own island or something. Because this is it, buddy. You're back."

"Sample sale, Burberry in Paris." I explained while I texted to Yassen under the table.

"I have all of the ingredients we're going to need at my house." I told them. I actually told Yassen to hide the weapons but they didn't need to know that.

"Oh Bella, Edward is going to die when he sees you," Esme said.

"He better not," Alice said, looking at her. "After all the work we put into this wedding, he'll know better than to do that."

I smiled as I pulled Bella towards me and, bending her backwards, I gave her a proper kiss. The crowd was cheering but all I had on my mind was Bella has she blushed and smiled up at me. We straightened up and Father Torres announced to the gathering:

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I now pronounce that the bride and groom are _still_ a Mr. and Mrs. Edward Cullen!"

"The Boss was just giving me a summary of her weekend," Alice explained.

"Which included gay men and death by jogging?," Angela said, still looking none the wiser.

"Life's funny like that," Bella nodded. "Charlie used to tell Emmett and I not to wait because life isn't a dress rehearsal."

"Good advice," Edward nodded, "he was a smart man."

"He never thought so," Bella's smile was sleepier now, "he always said it was common sense, but have you ever noticed that common sense isn't common?"

"Oh you know," Alice commented in a perhaps too casual tone, "the usual."

"Ah, so you're talking about moving in together then?" Angela added.

"Who told you?" Alice whipped around to face Angela with a startled look on her face.

"No-one," Angela grinned, "but you just did."

"Shhh," Alice frantically waved her hands in a shushing gesture. She opened the folder and grabbed a disk to put into the stereo and pushed play. As soon as the Black Eyed Peas were pumping out of the speakers she started talking again. "We're only," she waved a hand in a vague motion, "you know, talking."

"That's generally how these things start," Angela noted with a droll smile, "but what brought it on?"

"Mom, you're not telling me anything I don't already know," Edward laughed as his mother huffed at him down the phone line.

"Oh really, that sure of yourself are you?"

"Uh," Edward sobered at that. His parents had called to see how the big move over the weekend had gone and Edward was filling them in on the details. "Well no, not entirely. I don't know that I'd ever think of it as a fait accompli."

"Good," Edward was startled to hear his father's voice on the line, "but it sounds like you have things well in hand."

"Dad?"

"Morning, Son," Carlisle greeted. "I heard the tone in your mother's voice and knew who she was talking to so I picked up the extension."

"Oh now there's a comment that's going to get you places," Esme retorted.

Even Bella's and my wedding hadn't been so heavily attended by members of the undead. Renesmee's charisma had never ceased to charm several of our nomadic friends, thus many of them made the effort to be here today. Our Denali cousins and Garrett, Peter and Charlotte Benjamin and Tia, and Charles and Makenna had all sat on the bride's side. The groom's side had consisted mainly of the packs and their imprints, along with a few of the tribal elders who had made the journey for their rightful chief. Sprinkled throughout were some of Jacob and Ness' friends from school.

"Is thirteen years the prerequisite to forgiveness?" I asked, hoping to prompt him to explain further. As it seemed that way. "No. It was the look on Bella's face this morning, when you walked Nessie down that aisle. And the way you looked at Bella after you gave your daughter's hand to Jake. Under all that joy was incredulity. You never thought Ness was possible; you didn't want to take that joy that was all over Bella's face this morning away from her."I couldn't speak. My father-in-law had just succinctly summarized the greatest mistake of my existence and brushed it under the proverbial rug. Forgiveness for leaving Bella was not something I had ever expected from the quiet man beside me. Grudging acceptance, yes; but not forgiveness. Though I supposed I ought not to have been so shocked. He was Bella's father, after all.

Curious, I raised my eyebrow at her, but she just grinned mischievously and made a running leap for my lap, just as she had done as a little girl when she begged me to read Dante to her.

"Daddy? May I have this dance?" She asked quietly, wrapping her arms around my neck and pressing a kiss to my cheek.

_That is so bizarre… _I couldn't help but laugh at Charlie's reaction. Even I couldn't deny that a seemingly twenty-something woman sitting on a teenager's lap and calling him 'daddy' was more than a little strange. But I wouldn't change it for the world.

"Sure sweetheart. You can even stand on my feet," I promised. Renesmee's chiming laughter was all I heard as I danced my first dance with my married daughter.

"Agent Swan! I read your article in _Vampire Hunter Digest_ on the myth of the power of crucifixes and holy water for battling vampires. How can you prove that they are ineffective if conclusive evidence has yet to be validated?"

"I didn't say in the article that they were ineffective, only that they were very unlikely to be effective. For example, why would a Muslim or Buddhist vampire care about water blessed by a Catholic priest?"

**I didn't relate well to people my age. Maybe the truth was that I didn't relate well to people, period. **

"That's right, you need vampires to feel comfortable," Emmett laughed.

"She does okay with werewolves too," Jacob added.

"What I mean is, yes, the vampire will make a note not to take you to any zombie movies."

"I like her," Emmett was saying. "Her heart does this fun little flip-flop when you stare at her for a long period of time."

"So you were caught in the apartment of one girl, slept with another and then got bitch-slapped by a third?" Jasper was laughing so hard that I was surprised he managed to get a full sentence out of his mouth.

I groaned. "I can't believe that gross old lady was hitting on Charlie. He's half her age! Seriously. What was she thinking?"

Edward opened his mouth to speak and I hurried to cut him off.

"No, no! It was only a figure of speech, Edward, I don't really want to know."

"No. You really don't," he assured me. "And do you realize that 'gross old lady' is younger than I am?" I stared at his youthful, inhuman beauty and rolled my eyes. "It's true," he insisted. "You know it is. You're lusting after a man who has been alive for more than one hundred years. And you aren't half my age, Bella. You're less than _one fifth_ of my age." He smirked again. "Emmett."

"Huh?" I managed to say before my door flew open, and I glimpsed the giant grin that dominated the face of Edward's giant brother.

"It _is_ true, Bella. You're totally crushing on an old dude. You're like a… gerontophile or something. No, wait! He's technically _dead_, too, so you're a necrophiliac _and_ a gerontophile. You weirdo."

I felt the heat rise to my face, but I giggled in spite of myself. Only Emmett could get away with teasing me like this. "Thanks for the vocabulary lesson. But what does that make you, Emmett? Rosalie isn't that much younger than Edward. And _she's_ dead, too."

Of course, like I should have known would happen, I did start to sing during mass. I normally tried to keep my voice down but I simply _knew_ I had a far better voice than the lady next to me. I'm all for "making a joyful noise onto the Lord" and all that but when you sound like you are murdering Donald Duck, could you at least keep your voice down?

We all read the plaque and I started to giggle as did Bella. "How come it's always doctors that get the own the scary mansions?" Emmett asked. I burst out laughing then. Because it's not like there isn't a doctor in Forks that owns a mansion filled with vampires or anything.

Jasper, Edward, and Gabriel all let out huge belly laughs. Bella looked rather confused, or maybe just thoughtful, while Alice looked a bit miffed at me. "What?" I asked her. It was also sort of directed at the boys. I didn't think anything was that funny.

"We have one human that can't lie to save herself and another human that can lie so well that I almost believed you," Alice grumbled and crossed her arms.

This was probably in part because of the threat Alice made regularly before the wedding. I wasn't really listening but I got the main idea, which was that if we messed up her wedding day she'd make us cry like little girls in front of all the nice party guests. She may have even made Emmett sign a legalized document stating that he would be on his best behavior. Pixie was not messing around.

I had prepared myself for this moment, trying to decide on the perfect words. How do you tell the man you love that you're carrying his child?

"We're getting a baby!" Riley's happy voice echoed around the empty room.

_That's how you tell him._

Bubbles. That is what greeted me outside the mortuary chapel. Lots and lots of bubbles. From a bubble machine. Or two. I wasn't sure. Alice did ask me about throwing rice and I mumbled about bubbles instead. I didn't think she'd actually listen to me on that one but I loved it.

If anything, our own family tree would only be that more complicated. If Charlie married Sue, then wouldn't Bella and I be in-laws twice over? Seth and Leah would be her step-siblings…I escaped one crazy family tree for another. Oh joy.

"How about you join us for dinner on Friday?" Her eyes flickered to Edward then back to me, giving me a grin like she just had the best plan.

_Was she talking about their family dinner? Dinner only happens once a night, right? Well, unless you're Emmett._

If you hate someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way you are a mile away from them AND you have their shoes.

-Wish for what you want...work for what you need

-When you love someone you can tell...when you're in love with someone, everyone else can.

-They laugh because I'm different...i laugh because they're the same.

- When there's a will, I want to be in it.

-Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

-I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

-The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

-I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.

-When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

-Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

-I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

-Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

"Sometimes, people just build walls up not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break through." ~ Anonymous

**Jasper**

**I can sense if you hate me... (Fanpires101)**

**We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. (with arrow pointing to Alice!)**

"Whatever. Why don't you get a life? Take a chill pill."

Edward smirked. "I already took a chill pill, in case you haven't felt my body temperature lately. That's the reason I need to get a life. Since I don't have one, I'm borrowing yours. What are we going to do once you're changed? Then neither one of us will have a life."

I saw the heads of all the supernatural creatures swivel toward the driveway, and nearly a minute later, I heard a car coming our way. Angela and Ben had arrived. Luckily, the camp was already set up and ready. It's amazing what a large group of mythical beings can accomplish in only a few minutes time.

"Actually, love, I believe you will be the death of the 'me' I was before I met you. Everybody seems to prefer the new Edward Cullen anyway, including me. I'm definitely a lot more fun to be around. I'm even better than the Edward in Meyer's books. Don't you think?"

It made me think of a commercial –  
Don't have a food processor? Just use your handy dandy neighborhood vampire!

I couldn't wait to hear about his first meeting with Irina.

"Has anyone called the Denali clan to tell them to expect Laurent and two werewolves on their doorstep?" I wondered.

Edward grinned. "Yeah, Carlisle called while you were in the shower. It would have been quite a shock for them otherwise."

"Aww, Jasper, you're hurting my feelings, man," Jared teased.

Jasper laughed. "Uh, yeah, Jared, nice try. Sorry, but the _empath_ isn't falling for that one."

Esme and Alice helped Grandma get ready. She insisted on wearing white, even though it was technically her fourth marriage. She still claimed the second one didn't count since a wedding performed by a Bedouin priest wasn't legally binding in Tajikistan.

She laughed "Oh honey, that bad a day huh?"

"That's one perception" I forced a smile up at her. Bad? My mind screamed. The day I got caught in WWII crossfire looked better than I felt today!

What he wouldn't give to be able to side with Alice now. Tel her all the usual clichés of how she was better off without him, he wasn't worth crying over and she could do better.

That way he could make Jasper pay for hurting his little girl.

Unfortunately he couldn't because he was Jasper's father as well and he had to look at this from both sides.

"No!" I all but shouted in my haste to disprove her. I looked back behind us and when I saw no Edward in sight, I whispered, "And besides, Edward will never cheat on me…even if it's going to be with the other me. He's just not that kind of man."

-When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

-Education is important; school however, is another matter.

-Hello. You have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are, where you are from, and what you want so there is no need to leave a message.

-Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

-If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.

-Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are the same number of letters?

-There are no stupid questions – just a bunch of inquisitive idiots.

-It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile and absolutely none to sit there with a dumb look on your face.

-Don't follow in my footsteps . . . I run into walls.

**Edward Cullen**

Sexier than you since 1901

**Jasper Hale**

Smoother than you since 1843

**Bella Swan**

Luckier than you will ever be

**Rosalie Hale**

Prettier than you since 1915

**Alice Cullen**

Quirkier than you since 1901

**Emmett Cullen**

Stronger than you since 1915

_And then I actually looked at the house. And he was right. There was a very Alice shaped hole in the door with large splinters on the ground by it. And a very unhappy Carlisle looking at it. But when he caught my eye, he smiled, proud. _

"_The doorknob wouldn't turn fast enough!" she pouted before trudging back to the house to probably buy a new one. _

(Age 6)

"You did?" Charlie asked, laughing. "To who?"

"To Edward," I replied. Edward nodded in agreement.

"Hear that Carlisle? We're in-laws apparently," Charlie said to Carlisle, who was laughing too.

"That's okay," I break the silence, trying not to show just how much I want to strangle his mother. That only makes sense though I suppose, seeing as how I want to strangle _him _a great majority of the time.

_"I'll ask her when the time is right."_

**"Who are you, Bob Barker?"**

_"That's _The Price Is Right_, Alice…"_

I scowled at him, "Em, I'm not going to pull some scandalous crap and seduce the _very taken_ Maid of Honour at Jazz's wedding. I'm sure Alice would never forgive me."

Jasper chuckled, "Actually, she'd probably buy you a drink or twelve. She hates him."

"Who? The boyfriend?"

Listen, I need a favour."

Her brown eyes widened. "From me?"

"No, from the Pope. Yes, from you," I laughed. "Alice says you have a truck, and I have to move some stereo equipment tonight. The speakers don't really fit in my trunk, and I was wondering if—"

"No. Not exactly."

"You don't exactly have plans?" I teased, feeling much surer of myself now. "Well, here's your chance to make some. Don't disappoint Alice, she'll blame me."

"Guidance counsellor." I announced with a smirk. Trying to get students to talk about their problems would not be hard for me as it would be for others.

"I guess I could teach cooking." My love said with a sigh.

"Home ec." Rosalie said with a groan, for that was all that she was talented in, sewing and cleaning, in her human life and now.

"Gym teacher." Emmett said with his arms folded across his bulky chest, wearing an evil grin.

"Economics, the study of predicting changes and patterns in the stock market and economy." Alice chimed.

"U.S. History." Jasper grinned in the corner. That was the grim beginning of the end of their dignity and mine.

It was not as if my grades were crucial to my future, for some of the most prominent schools my teachers suggest I apply to next year when I become a senior, I had already attended.

He shrugged playfully. "Only one elementary school in town. And only one fiery blonde with a red BMW on the side of the road."

He was in organized crime division with Emmett. I had seen him around the building every once in a while, but had never really worked with him. He was about the same height and build as me and seemed friendly enough. I stuck out my hand. "Edward." I said.

He gripped my hand firmly and shook it once saying, "Riley."

"And I'm Emmett, now that we all know each other, can you start setting up?" Emmett said impatiently, making both of us chuckle.

I shook my head and jumped off her bed, heading toward her closet. "Hey, are my pajamas still on the second to the bottom drawer in the upper left corner of the mouse?" I paused, then added, "You know, where I have to head northwest for a bit, before doubling back east around Shoes Mountain?"

"_Oh…_brother," Emmett said slowly, his excitement easily seen building in his brightening eyes. He turned and ran from the room, but his voice echoed in the house. "Everyone in the house right now, listen! It happened! It finally happened! What we all knew was inevitable, but were starting to think maybe wasn't inevitable…yeah. It happened!"

He was shocked, "You just cancelled our wedding and you're telling me to ask another woman out?"

"It's like I'm not even in the room," I mused. "Do you guys need me here for this, or can I go?"

"He's so defensive," Alice said, ignoring me.

"Seriously, I'm leaving now."

-Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible. - Carl Jung

-Watch me hunt- Bella Swan (so adorable)

-Who are you to **judge** the life I live? I know I'm not _perfect_ - and I didn't live to be. But before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean- (Bob Marley)

-You know you're in love when reality is _finally_ better than your dreams- (Dr. Seuss)

-People will **always** talk about you. _Might as well_ give them something to talk about- ;)

-A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and _leaves_ before she is **left**- (Marylin Monroe)

-And you can quote me on the quote, unquote- (Dane Cook)

-Love is when two people who care for each other get _confused_- (Bob Schneider)

-Why do we kill people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?-

-Strike a pose; & act like your famous-

-The hardest thing in this world is to live in it- (Buffy)

-To live is the rarest thing; most people only exist-

-It's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be real hard. And we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I wanna do that...because I want you. All of you...forever-

-Behind every untrusting girl is _someone_ who made her that way-

-"You think I lifted a van off you?" His tone questioned my sanity- (Twilight)

-When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end- (Twilight)

-But I'm tired of trying to stay away from you Bella- (Edward Cullen) -gasp&orfaint-!

-And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...What a stupid lamb. What a sick, masochistic lion- (Edward and Bella)

**(I would also just like to take a minute to point out that Edward and Bella **_**so**_** brought the word 'masochistic' back. I mean, **_**no one**_** even knew that was a word, or used it, until them. Just saying.)**

-I _dazzle _people?- (Edward Cullen, lol)

-Do you remember when you told me I couldn't see myself clearly? You obviously have the same blindness- (Bella Swan)

-You're wrong you know. You _are_ worth it- (Jasper Hale Cullen)

-Cullen boys...because they don't make them like _that_ anymore- ;)

-Stupid, shiny Volvo owner- (Twilight)

-Bella's all about the **extreme sports** these days- (Alice Cullen)

-Boys in books...are just better-

-I have more fictional boyfriends than _you_ do. **Beat that!**-

-Hello, my name is: **GOD**- haha

-I run with vampires-

-Edward Cullen is _so_ bringing sexy back-

-I'll be your Bella if you'll be my Edward-

-Happiness. It made the whole dying thing pretty bearable- (New Moon)

-It's not about right. It's not about wrong. It's about power- (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

-She's like a woman fighting for more than life. She fights like fighting _is_ her life. It is the air she breathes, and she knows she will win because...there is no alternative- (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

-Your mom- (Some genius)

-Well...you're a flower!- (Me)

-It's pretty sad when you think about it. But I don't think about it- (My friend)

-Yeah, none of those freaky Virgos here- lol (Jacob Black)

-It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known- (Sydney Carton from _A Tale of Two Cities_)

-The trouble with most of us is that we would rather by ruined by praise than saved by critiscm- (Norman Vincent Peale)

-It is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes come to the top- (Virginia Woolf)

-Obstacles are things you see when you take your eyes off the goal- (E. Joseph Cossman)

-You don't have to have a reason to feel good - You can feel good for no reason at all-

-The best things in life aren't things- (Art Buchwald)

-Let us endeavor to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry- (Mark Twain)

-"Good causes" seem to be quite expensive, especially compared to how cheap the bad ones are- (Me)

-Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience - Lol! (Some Genius)

-Wait 'til there's **someone** to cry about, someone to fight it out, someone to say _you're the reason_ they breathe-

-It's the kind of relationship where we have a s**ecret handshake, **and she begs him to watch Disney movies with her, while he begs her to watch a scary movie _instead._ It's where they **laugh and joke** all the time, but they're serious when it's time to be serious. It's where **neither of them** have to say '_I love you'_ because they know with all their hearts they love each other. It's where they can mess around on her couch, and then she'll laugh at him when he tries not to look **guilty** in front of her dad. It's the kind of love everyone _dreams about_-

-So here's to teenage romance, and not knowing why it hurts like _hell_-

-With bloodshot eyes, I'll watch you sleeping. The warmth beside me, is slowly fading- (_Tears Don't Fall,_ by Bullet for My Valentine)

-It's sad when people you know, become people you knew...When you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life. How you used to be able to talk for _hours_, and now...you can barely even look at them-

-Beginnings are **scary **endings are s a d It's the middle that counts the most;; don't look too hard for _happy endings_ because you might just miss the **best part** of the story-

-People hold onto something because they're afraid nothing that great will ever happen to them again-

-If you can't hear my heartbeat ;; then you're too far away-

-After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist finally said to me, "Maybe...life _isn't_ for everyone." -

-You want a song of glory? Well I'm fucking screaming it at you- (_Box Full of Sharp Objects_ by The Used)

-Falling in love was the best idea I ever had- (Same song as above)

- Forged in war, born of death, saved by love - Jackson Rathbone

- I'd tell her that I'll never know what it was like to be her. But I _do _know what it's like to want to die. How it **hurts **to smile. How you try to fit in, but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the _outside,_ to try to kill the **thing **on the inside. - (Girl, Interrupted)

- "You're a good friend and I love you and all...but if we ever get chased by zombies, I'm totally tripping you." - (Me to a friend of mine)

- Life might be wonderful! - ()

- Trust Emmett to find the joke in the destruction of my life - Midnight Sun

- Bella's going to stare at Edward in a minute. Look normal. - Alice in Midnight Sun. Ahaha.

- A hundred yards away, Mike Newton was lowering Bella's limp body to the sidewalk. She slumped unresponsively against the wet concrete, her eyes closed, her skin chalky as a corpse.  
I almost took the door off the car. - Edward in MS. Lol.

_- And, by the way, I adore you...in frightening, dangerous ways. _- Edward thinking in MS. Awww!

- "You do know that not ALL under-handed deeds end in payment right?" (Someone I know)  
"Then what's the point?" - (Me)

And that was for the best. Barely alive was probably better than dead.

"Edward, I've never been allowed to have a pet. I have no idea how to take care of a kitten! He's so young, and unable to do things. I have to drop him in the litterbox because he can't make it to the laundry room." I let out a loud snort of laughter at this. And, while it was pretty rude, I couldn't help myself. It was comical that she was calling me, _a vampire_, to help her take care of an _animal!_

"Yes, nothing quite like shooting down complete strangers in cooperation with another complete stranger, is there?" I asked with a wide grin. Edward smiled beautifully and laughed again.

Edward took a step over to the podium to look at his notes, while he did this he stole a look at the brown eyed girls notes and saw that she was ahead of him in his own lecture and at that moment he realized that she was bored because she knew the material, but then was puzzled and trying to figure out why she was in the class.

"That was a real shit move Edward. Now I guess you want me to propose to her as soon as possible to keep your ass out of trouble. Am I right?" Jasper said with annoyance lacing his tone.

"Well that would help things out if you two were actually engaged. I am so sorry." Edward mumbled feeling horrible about letting his actions affect others.

"Well that is just too damn bad Edward." Jasper said.

Edward couldn't say anything to that. He was feeling horrible for even thinking of asking Jasper to ask Alice to marry him sooner to get him out of a jam.

"That is too damn bad Edward, because I proposed to Alice last night and she said yes." Jasper said with all the excitement in the world.

It was also hard to believe that the school year was almost over. Granted, there was still a few more months, but then we would pack up and head back to Forks for the summer and who knows what would happen then. There could be three of us Almost-Cullens running around Washington, this time next year.

Edward spent most of his day (the hours he was not cataloguing his socks) repairing the destruction that I left in my wake

It was probably the right move. I wouldn't suggest anyone getting between a married couple in the middle of a fight. Especially when said couple was immortal and the room held the snap and pop chemistry that Edward and I have with one another.

Going to church doesn't make you a christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just a retard in tin foil

Life doesn't get easier, you just get stronger.

Checking the fridge every ten minutes to see if any food magically appeared

Girl, that is a shirt... not a dress

Children: you spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Paper beats rock? ok, i'll throw a rock at you and you defend yourself with paperI am a ninja.. no your not.. did you see me do that.. do what? ... exactly.

Would ya risk it for a chocolate biscuit?

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -bob marley"i'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. i make mistakes, i am out of control and at times hard to handle. but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."Rawwwr means i love you in dinosaur :) When we were little, why were we so scared of our parents counting to three?

Im going to sit back and laugh when karma punches you in the face

Agreeing with people so they'll shut upIf two people are happy together, then leave them to it. it's their lives.

Plan for the worst, hope for the 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

I had a dream!..then i woke up and forgot best things in life are either illegal, bad, or fattening.

When i was your age, pluto was a planet

Call from **Bella** to _Esme_:

_"Bella? Everything alright?"_

**"Oh yeah, everything's fine. I just called to ask you where you're supposed to go to change your last name…?"**

_"Why do you want to… OH MY GOD! CARLISLE! HE DID IT!"_

"Shoot." Discussions with Charlie don't happen often either, so I started to panic.

"I wanted to double check that you knew about internet safety."

_Shit, is that his way of saying 'busted!'? Has he been nosing around my email account? Finding all the messages from Edward? _

"What do you mean?" I hoped the fear inside was as visible when looking at me.

"It's not that I don't trust you Bells. Just that we were given leaflets for the station today, based on social websites like _MySpace _and _Facebook, _and that you never know who your talking to. I wanted to double check that you knew never to talk to someone you don't know."

I thought to the emails I had been sending to ECullen I didn't know him at all but he seemed nice.

"Yes I'm here..." Ohh...I get it now! "Edward's still here too." Well... just outside Forks, severely pissed off and with a car and no car keys.

"I love you." You didn't need to second guess it; the emotion was felt in his voice and touch. Happy tears glazed over my vision.

"I love you too." Who long have I been wanting to say that? Now it's finally happened; nothing could dampen this moment.

"How did this happen?"

"I was simply bored in Biology."

" Seeing as its our child, I think it should be our names. Which one sounds better? Bedward or Edwella?"

Both sounded just as freaky if you asked me…wait, he did ask me. Oops.

"Bedward," I mused, "yeah, Bedward."

"Right, Bedward Swan or Cullen?"

"Swallen," This poor child.

"Creative. Cullan doesn't work."

"I know. Stop hogging the name you greedy bastard."

Raising Bedward into the air, Edward began his crazy procedure. "We christen thee, Bedward Swallen."

I almost rubbed my eyes like a kid coming down the stairs on Christmas morning to see that instead of getting presents, Santa actually came through and got her a pony.

Edward was clad in a black-tie tuxedo, gloves and all, playing piano where my dining room table used to be.

"Tortellini with pesto and cherry tomatoes," he said, and poured me a glass of white wine.

I pulled up a seat, puzzled. "Pesto?" I asked. "I don't have pesto in the fridge."

He gestured to the food processor in the sink. "You did have a nice bundle of basil, along with some cheese, olive oil and pine-nuts."

Edward unzipped the garment bag, and pulled out a cocktail dress. A couture, adorable, little black FLANNEL cocktail dress.

"My sister is a fashion designer, and I told her what I needed, so she whipped up this little number. I think it fits your weekend-worthy criteria— it's completely flannel and jersey, and she says it's comfortable enough to wear to bed. The only problem is," he said, grinning, "I think you'll have to change out of your slippers."

"Could her jaw drop lower?" asked gravity. Yes, why yes it could. I put my hand under my chin and demurely brought it back to my face.

"Ok, so here's how to remember the difference between there/their/they're. _There_ has the word _here_ in it, right?" I said, and they nodded. "Well, that _there_ is a location, just like _here_. So if you write, 'I went there', just look for the word _here_. " Edward smiled at me from the back of the room, and gestured for me to go on. I breathed in deep and continued. I wrote the words on the board and gestured as I spoke.

"And as for too/two/to, that's easy. _Too_ means more, and look, it has an extra _o_. It has one more _o_. Now let's tackle the number _two_. You have two hands, everyone, right? Show me two fingers on each hand," I said. They dutifully made little peace-signs with both hands. "Ok, now put them together and make a _w_." They did. "This _two_ has a w in it, just like how your two fingers on each of your two hands made a _w_. Can you remember that?" I asked. They smiled and scribbled some notes. Edward's smile had turned into more of a jaw-drop. _Nice_, I thought.

"And the last _to_ is spelled _t-o_, which is the shortest of all the to's. Now, when you're going somewhere, don't you want to take the shortest route?" I asked. They nodded. "Well, this _to_ is a preposition, and usually indicates direction. So think of it like this—you want the directions to be the shortest and quickest way somewhere. So, use the smallest and shortest _to_!"

"Baby. Baby? Baby! We're going to have a _baby_?"

As she turned to look at him, she couldn't help but giggle at the fact that he had said the word "baby" with four different tones and inflections in such a short span of time.

'Don't. Talk. To. Me. You're the one who made all of this happen!' he shrieked. 'You and your stupid Anti Emmett team – it should have been Anti Leslie! She was innocent – she didn't deserve this!'

'Emmett...' Bella sighed. 'Do you want to know the truth?'

Emmett suddenly stopped his wailing. 'What?'

'We were _all_ on the Anti Emmett team.'

"Oh it's on," Esme growled. She knocked his friend off of his skate board and dragged the teenager after her.

"Oh lord," Carlisle sighed, "Alice?"

"This is going to be so sweet," Alice giggled.

"Challenging me old bat?"

Esme hopped on the board and skated into the half pipe. The teenager watched in shock as a woman he considered old not only pulled off a backside 180 kickflip, a pop shove-it and a frontside 360 but pulled it off perfectly. She tricked her way down the half pipe and into the bowl where she continued to dazzle and confuse bystanders. She hopped out of the bowl and tricked back down the half pipe ending up where she started. She thrust the board into the teen's chest.

"How does this machine work exactly?" Jasper asked, his voice sounding as if he hardly cared.

"When people lie their pulses increase by a few beats. This machine can compare the typical amount of beats a minute from when he was originally given the test, to the amount when he is asked a question. If the amount doesn't increase, then he's telling the truth." Emmett answer warily, still eyeing the door that Edward had left through.

"And Edward's beats per minute didn't increase?" Jasper asked. Where was he getting at?

"Right."

"Emmett.." Jasper sighed as his hand ran through his hair uncomfortably. "Edward's dead. He doesn't have a pulse."

I spent the next 35 minutes contemplating all the conflicting feelings I was starting to feel. And I came to a conclusion.

_Shit._

"Damn it, Bella!" He pushed away from the door and took a few steps back. "I love you too much to let someone like him fucking touch you! I won't stand for this. No fucking way." I froze. I stood still. I held my fucking breath. He loves me. Tears fell from my eyes. Well this was fucked. This was not exactly how I imagined he'd tell me. He looked at me, wondering what I was thinking. Damn him. He doesn't even know what he just said. Seriously, I'm going to have to buy the man a fucking voice recorder, have him go over it and take notes later.

-Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

-Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them.

-The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

-I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor doesn't exist.

-If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.

-Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are the same number of letters?

-Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might actually clean them?

-There are no stupid questions – just a bunch of inquisitive idiots.

-Politics is war without bloodshed. War is politics with bloodshed.

-It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile and absolutely none to sit there with a dumb look on your face.

-People say satire is dead. It's not dead. It's alive and living in the White House.

-I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

-I do not deny everything.

-Sometimes the mind, for reasons we do not necessarily understand, just decides to go the store for a quart of milk.

-The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.

-Always proofread to make you sure you don't any words out.

-You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then.

-Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dislexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

"Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies." ~ Willy Wonka - Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

"I think my house is haunted." "Why?" "My wife is there. I open the door and all I hear is get out." ~ Walter and Jeff Dunham - Jeff Dunham

"So Walter how long have you been married?" "46 years." "And what was the happiest moment of your life?" "47 years ago." ~ Jeff Dunham and Walter - Jeff Dunham

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today; it's already tomorrow in Australia." ~ Charles Schulz

"Smoking kills. If you are killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." ~ Brooke Shields

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." ~ Winston Bennett

"Oh my god," Kate said excitedly, "Is it truth you guys bought a two million dollar house? And that you got three gorgeous brothers?"

_Not exactly, _I wanted to say. _One of my 'brothers' is my dad, and the two other brothers are my uncles. They are all off-limits by the way, and you probably wouldn't want to date them anyway, since they all are old enough to be your grandparents._

Dumbfounded, I stuffed the letter in my book bag. _Dumped? Seriously? After half a date with a girl I don't even like?_

"No, but as long as Esme doesn't tell me he is punching walls or kissing girls, I have hope," I admitted.

"What if he is kissing walls and punching girls?" she giggled.

"No, Kill Bill," Alice said as she jumped up and down.

"That's too biographical for Bella and Edward," Rose added in her dry humor. Everyone laughed, including me and Edward.

"So we have a house, we have the people, all we need to do is pack up and leave?" Emmett asked in a confused voice.

**I don't normally do these "copy and paste" to your profile things, but I felt the need to this time.**

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.  
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.  
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.  
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.  
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.  
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.  
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.  
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.  
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.  
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans...

If you support gay marriage and want to show it, paste this into your profile.

"_I remember that." Alice said. "He came home one weekend and said, 'I've met the girl I'm going to marry.' Shook Esme up, that's for sure."_

He sighed, continuing. "My employer thinks I stole a laptop with important information in it, which I didn't. I already have one, why would I want his?" he asked, clearly frustrated.

I had to admit, I felt sorry for him that moment. But I was still hungry.

"I found out my real name and met my cute little daddie in the hospital." I gave him my left hand. "Bella Marie Carwin, possibly lethally ill daughter of the murderer Jonathan Carwin, at your service."

I felt Embry pushing me, away from the scene, away from the nightmare. I let him do it, but the image didn't fade from my mind. And the sound would never, ever escape.

I wasn't walking into the lion's den.

I was walking into a wolf pack.

"What will I be doing?" Ren said looking over my shoulder at the picture.

"I need someone to make trees" as she examined her clipboard.

"Make tree? That's it?" Ren huffed.

"Yep!" Ms. Jordan said walking away.

"You give Leah this huge project and I'm stuck making trees, I should go outside and rip on from the ground and bring it in here." Ren murmured as she walked toward the brown cardboard.

Silence reigned for several moments before Edward repeated, "_Immortal Muse_…I like that! Of course the artists will think that they are making music that will last forever. They won't be thinking about a group of immortals running the place, that's for sure."

Another glance at my watch confirmed that it was time. "Show time folks! Lights! Camera…and action!" I clicked on the camera and made some adjustments to the laptop it was attached to. I called the Newtons on my cell and told them to get ready to receive the feed. They thought that I was just acting as the go-between, not that I was actually with them in Germany. Ah, technology was great!

Edward Masen ,the famous concert pianist, was a vampire? How did THAT happen?

"Oh no!" I said in mock horror. "Two vampires in my room would surely attract Charlie's attention!" They laughed. Charlie wouldn't notice the entire Cullen family in my room even if he'd been searching for them with the whole Forks police force.

I dragged myself back to Bella's question. "You should probably have some of yourself doing your job." I smiled a little. "You know you only have to ask."

"All right. I'm asking. And in answer to your question, I have been calling the my immediate supervisor _Dr. Anthony Masen_. Hope that's okay?" She slid a look up to me, her lower lip curled in her teeth.;

Edward Anthony Masen. A name I had only carried with me for seventeen years... "Dr. Masen, is it?" I snapped another picture of her. "Well, thank you. I think I actually have papers in that name somewhere."

"Why am I not surprised?" She glanced down at the towel now secured around my hips. "Um. Maybe I should hang on to these fish, just in case?"

"No. He doesn't have to, love. He knows where you live."

"Right. Dammit. Okay. So, what's the plan?" Turning from the passenger-side window, she shifted under the seatbelt to face me. Overhead, a thundercloud skimmed in front of the sun, casting Bella's face into shadow as she waited for me to inform her. "I know you have one. You've practically made a religion of trying to keep me out of harm's way."

I snorted, but she did have a point. I used her metaphor and ran with it. "Well, the nuns and monks of this religion," I said, laughing with her at the very idea of my siblings being nuns and especially at the idea of _Emmett_ being a _monk_ of any faith, "are planning a, um, _mission_. Yes, that's what we'll call it."

The entire cast of Edward's last film, including Jasper Whitlock, which was to have its premier in 4 days were being interviewed by magazines, papers, radio stations and so many TV channels that you could create the entire alphabet with their names. I did a double take as I saw that Brad Lucas was sat in the make up chair. He was an up and coming young actor who had stared in two of the biggest movies of the year. I assumed his hope was that this would be his third and if Edward Cullen was involved with it that tended to be true!

"Well, it's really for the after party," Alice answered calmly. "It's a ball themed party so you have to look the part," my face must have said it all. "Don't panic. When you're done with Jane and Emmett we'll head to the restaurant and change there, it'll be fine." I wasn't completely convinced. I didn't know why I would have to go to the after party. It wasn't part of my job description.

_Neither is playing Guitar Hero with your boss…_

It hit me in that instant.

She was embarrassed about us touching.

Did she think it inappropriate? Was she embarrassed because she wanted it? Did she know that I wanted it?

Or was it because she thought that I thought that she thought that…

…Fuck!

Why is nothing ever fucking simple!

"Can I leave the finer details for Friday in your capable hands then little sis'?" I asked as I turned into my drive.

"Sure thing," she laughed. "God, Edward, who knew that love would suit you so well?"

I laughed gently down the phone.

She paused briefly, "Um…Edward?"

"Alice?" I answered knowing what was coming next.

"You didn't argue or deny it or tell me to shut the fuck up just now, even with the mention of the 'L' word. Are you feeling ok?"

I laughed again as I heard the pieces of what she had just said click into place in her head.

"Oh my god, Edward," she cried. I could almost see her jumping up and down on the spot. "Edward! You really do…I mean oh that's so…have you told her? Are you going to tell her?"

"Alice," I grinned. "I'll see you in the morning."

I hung up on her with a smile.

My relationship with Miss Swan was an odd one. She was an efficient assistant and I deeply valued her presence; she was probably the only one who did not, and would not, buckle under the pressure I put her under. I couldn't deny being attracted to her, but I was determined not to act upon it. It would ruin the both of us. Age difference took a whole new level when one partner was about seven thousand years old and the other one was twenty five.

Talk about pedophilia.

I'd called Carlisle to hear what I could and should do for my assistant, and he gave me instructions. I knew the basics myself; I just wanted to make sure that my (latest) medical degree from the year 1951 wouldn't disagree with the knowledge nowadays. This time, it didn't.

"You're aggravating, you know that?"

I've only had seven thousand years to figure out my character, but… "Surprising, I know."

"**Okay. What do you wear to a time traveling dinner party hosted by a werewolf and located at a vampire's house?" I mused.**

"**Jeans," Aidan answered, straight faced.**

**"Which one is the boy with the reddish brown hair?" I asked. I peeked at him from the corner of my eye, and he was still staring at me, but not gawking like the other students had today — he had a slightly frustrated expression.**

„What was that about?" asked Charlie.

„You will see." smirked Bella. Edward, on other hand looked rather worried. He was beginning to think that he should have told Charlie about mindreading before they started with the book.

**"Bella?" my father called out when he heard me on the stairs.**

**Who else? I thought to myself.**

„Oh I can name a few possibilities," smirked Emmett.

„Like who?" asked Charlie sharply, before Bella could say anything.

„Oh, you have no idea how many people have used Bella's bedroom window as entrance," Emmett said, ignoring the glares she was geting from both Edward and Bella.

„Who?" repeated Charlie angrily. Bella realised he wasn't going to let it go.

„If you just have to know, then Alice, Edward, Jasper, Jacob and a few unidetntifyed persons." answered Bella holding back a shudder at the mentioning of newborns. „And relax, dad, most of them just wanted a quick word."

„Except for Eddie-boy here," muttered Emmett, but he had enough sense to keep it too quiet for Charlie to hear.

„He is a nice boy." rematked Charlie. _Why wouldn't Bella fell in love with him?_

Emmett snorted at that.

„You wouldn't have thought him so nice if you had heard how he fantasised about Bella" said Edward before he could stop himself.

Charlie begin slowly turn red. Both Bella and Carlisle looked at him worriedly.

„Are you trying to say this... this... boy fantasised about my little girl! And spoke about that?" he thundered.

„Well... he didn't exactly know anyone would hear." said Edward carefully. „But essentialy, yes"

It took all Jasper's might to keep Charlie from either having a stroke or running out from the door to go and arest Mike. This wasn't made any easier by the fact that he would have hardly felt sorry for the boy.

**"It's not a very good place for camping." He sounded surprised." Too many bears. Most people go there during the hunting season."**

„It was not bear season," told Charlie, suddenly stern.

„Aww, but we didn't use weapons," smirked Emmett, remembering the excuse Edward had used.

Charlie gaped at him. Wolves gaped at Charlie. Did he just seriously questioned the legality of leeches hunting habits?

**Your great-grandfather?" I encouraged.**

„He was cool!" Emmett smiled. Charlie stared at him. Just how old this kid was?

**In my great-grandfather's time they already knew of the leader, Carlisle. He'd been here and gone before**_**your**_**people had even arrived." He was fighting a smile.**

„You were?" asked Charlie weakly. Just _how_old? Carlisle grinned.

Yes, I was. It was... rather interesting to say the least."

„How come?" asked Billy. This was something legends didn't exactly talk about.

**Weren't there any other names available in the late eighteenth century?**

Charlie felt his breath catch in his throat

_Please tell me it is not the boys real age!_

**"What's wrong?" He was startled. But the car didn't decelerate.**

Jasper sent Charlie a wary glance and extra dose of calm, before he read the next line.

**"You're going a hundred miles an hour!"**

„Why so slowly?" asked Emmett,wconfused. Bella glared at him desperately.

„I wanted a bit more time with Bella," admitted Edward, a little sheepish, like he was embarrassed caught driving so slow.

Charlie was a literally spluttering, but the calmness Jasper had made him feel was keeping him from doing anything else.

„Should we tell him how fast Carlisle drives?" whispered Bella, giggling.

**The others were looking at Edward.**

„By the way, did Edward tell you he 'forgot' to mention that you know about us," Jasper chuckled, in order to bring attention away from his brothers obvious discomfort.

Bella burst out laughing. „Seriously?" she asked.

„Actually I didn't forget. I just wanted to make sure there were enough people around us, to keep them from riping me into shreds there and now. Or from hurting my car." He shuddered.

CULLEN, I penned at the top of the form, CARLISLE IV. The IV was a necessity—although our return every year was perfect and provided no reason to arouse suspicion, I had to somehow keep the IRS from noticing that I'd filed a return every April for the last 93 years, ever since the income tax had been levied. And so I had created four Carlisle Cullens. Carlisle Cullen, Jr., as far as the IRS knew, was 74, happily retired, and received his social security checks at the home he lived in with his son and grandson. Carlisle Cullen III was presently taking a long sabbatical from work and so had no income except from his stock portfolio that did an amazing job beating the market (thanks to Alice). And among the stacks of immaculately kept bogus paperwork in my filing cabinet was the death certificate for Carlisle Cullen, Sr., who according to my diagnosis and signature, had succumbed to kidney failure at the ripe old age of 97. I'd figured early on that if I established that the Cullen men lived well into old age, I'd have fewer problems with the paperwork as the years went on.

Human parents kept their children's report cards out of nostalgia. I kept them to be sure that no teacher who had once taught a Cullen somewhere else in the country had moved, only to find the same seventeen-year-old in their class twenty years later.

(Jasper & Bella story)

He continued, "In a few months they can say that Carlisle got a great job offer somewhere else and Forks just has too many memories for them. Rose, Emmett and I are supposed to be away at Dartmouth so we aren't expected to be there. No one will even miss us when we don't attend your funeral because you were younger than us, and Edward will be too broken up over your death to be able to go."

Jasper chuckled darkly for a moment "Which may not be far from the truth, as apparently Rose was threatenin' to tear him apart and ship him to Alaska in boxes for what he did to you.

Okay I was officially confused. Carlisle must have read the same expression on everyone's faces "It was 1799 and I was hunting in the Mississippi Territory which is now Southern Alabama when I came across four vampires attacking a single man. Now this man was putting up quite the fight but it was rather obvious that it was only a matter of time. From their comments it was clear that the man was a deserter from one of the southern armies and the four others were sent to collect or kill him. I jumped in and finished off two of them. Garrett here took out the other two. He spun to me and would have taken me apart had I not laid down on the ground all casual. For all intents and purposes it looked like I was ready to take a nap." Garret and Jasper shared a chuckle and I remembered that this was exactly what Garrett had done when faced with an enraged Jasper.

Bella narrowed her eyes at his obvious attempt to parry the conversation, but Edward seemed sincerely surprised, so her lips formed an amused smile. "Yeah. We never talk about our families, do we? Today is Mike's birthday. I can't believe he's already turning nineteen. But he's a heart-breaker."

"I bet," Edward smiled, glad that Bella forgot all about his wrist.

"No – I mean, he's literally a heart-breaker. He's gay. He worships women and they adore him, hoping they have a chance until they discover he has an equally handsome boyfriend."

"Nope, she Esme and Bella went to play hide and seek," Randall said. I could feel the relief and happiness radiating from him. He loved having so many people to help with Annie.

"You better be careful, Esme and Carlisle have a habit of taking in orphans and never letting them leave." I half warned him.

_Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine_.

"M'fine," he grunted, staring down at the table. "Whangoballwime?" he blurted in less than a breath.

"I'm sorry, Harry, I think I must've failed Gibberish," she apologized, smiling sweetly.

"Would you like to go to the ball with me?" he said, much more slowly this time, and only as if he was choking.

Ginny looked shocked, dropping her head as she blushed such a dark color, it could almost rival mine. "Harry, I would love to," she said, smiling almost shyly.

"Oh, that's okay," he sighed, looking down dejectedly. He obviously misheard. Then his face lit up like a Christmas tree. "Wait! Really?"

Ginny giggled softly. "Yes, Harry, really," she assured him. "I would love to."

"Okay, but that still doesn't mean Bella will watch it."

She smiled slyly. "Leave that part to me."

"Alice..." I warned. Sometimes her plans ended up blowing up in her face, and anyone else who she roped into helping her.

She giggled. "I've always wanted to visit Ohio."

Don't worry about the people in your past; There's a reason they didn't make it to your future.

"We were friends like, two seconds ago," I huffed.

"Mmm…yeah?" Edward confirmed, not moving back and making my brain fuzzy.

"So how did this happen?" I huffed again.

"Uhh…well, I'm pretty sure I pulled you away from a douche-bag, got really pissy, and then decided I was going to kiss you. And then I did, and then you got all serious, and then-"

"I'm caught up with the summary, thanks, but…how can this…how can this be healthy?"

"It's not."

"So I'm not the only one here feeling like she's going to puke because the roller coaster just flipped upside down?"

"Things don't _always_ happen in steps. People are efficient. And occasionally we like to skip a few," Edward said, shrugging again. A look of ease. How aggravating.

"What are you doing tonight?" he asked.

"Hey, I thought we were going to play this by ear," I said, smirking and pointing a finger at him accusingly.

"We are. And what does your ear tell you to do?"

His face was close and he smelled so warm and tempting. I bet you he knew it too, those earnest green eyes calmly asking me like they were so innocent.

My ear tells me to kiss you and grab you and pull you into my dorm room and never let go. Ever.

And you know, when I'm with him, all that stuff about taking the proper relationship steps and thoroughly think through about whether or not the 'us' part is going to work….all of it just leaves my brain. I'm not sure if it's normal, or if I should take my heart and run before the both of us get hurt, but I know that when I'm standing next to him right now…something tells me this is right.

The same something that longed for his friendship and his smile and the sanctuary from the rest of the world he gave me…now longed for his arms and his touch.

Was I treading in dangerous waters?

I leaned towards him a little, smiling at him as his eyelids drooped and his stare dropped to my lips.

"What does _your_ ear tell you to do?" I quipped with a quiet laugh. He smiled, lazy and crooked, and looked at me through his lashes.

"My ear tells me that I'm going to take you out to dinner this weekend," he said matter-o-factly, "Whether the rest of my body parts like it or not."

"Which Power Puff are you going as?" he asked, playing with the fabric of my shirt by my hips.

"Buttercup."

"Wasn't she the bitchy one?"

"She was the _tough one_, yes," I huffed as Edward gave me a sideways crooked smile.

"Which one is Rosalie?"

"Blossom."

"So Alice is Bubbles?"

"Yes….Edward….do you watch the Power Puff Girls?"

Alice's Tips for Arguing with Parents:

1. It's always good to agree with them first.

Tip 2: When arguing with moms, use fashion sense. With dads: talk about sports. Then you're basically covered.

3: When parents get sarcastic, back off. Fast.

Tip 4: Do whatever you have to to get your parents back under control. Even if it means whining.

Tip 5: Birthday presents are always a good thing.

Tip 6: Do try to get back to the original question. _Without_ making her mad all over again.

Tip 7: Don't rush a parent on the big decision. It might ruin your chances of making it happen.

8._ COMPROMISE!_

Number 9: Parents don't really mind as long as it's not dangerous and it makes their kids happy.

10: Let them know that you love them, even when things don't work out your way.

I gazed at the old dilapidated hut. It was tiny. It was quaint. It was _boring_. It needed to be bigger. Much bigger, with a tower. Yeah. A tower would be cool. Maybe some columns. I always liked the columns. They made a house look awesome. I think the house in Maine had columns. Or was that Canada?

Back at the house, Esme and Alice were making plans to transform this little shack-like thing into an actual house-like thing.

I couldn't believe it was still standing. Wasn't it built in the 1870s or something? It was really old. Like, older than me. And that _is_ old.

The next morning I was at the 'construction site' at 7:59:52. A whole eight seconds early. I was pretty proud of myself. Jasper was only three seconds behind me. I bounced impatiently on the balls of my feet for a second or two, before I figured out how stupid I looked. Jasper, meanwhile, was cracking up. Stupid empath.

"My world history teacher was having…fantasies about me. And Edward. Together. It was horrifying." I whispered, shuddering at the memory. Esme winced in sympathy.

"How'd your shirt get ruined, Em?" Carlisle asked. He watched with one eyebrow raised as Emmett and his bloody shirt flopped onto the pristine white couch.

"Feisty bear- oh, oh, oh sh-" Emmett had noticed the now-bloody couch. He had also begun one of his colorful tirades before shutting his mouth and apparently thinking his expletives furiously.

I quickly added one more line to my little sign. Thanks to the services of our very own mind-reading Edward Cullen, swear words being thought also count.

Daddy grinned, and Emmett's eyes bugged. He covered his mouth, then rapidly began smacking himself on the head. I smirked, and Daddy began tallying up the penalties.

When Emmett looked like he was done, Daddy showed the figure first to Esme.

"Well, that should just about cover the damages." She commented mildly. Next Emmett saw the figure. His mouth dropped open, and Edward added five more cents to the total.

"Pay up."

"Shit."

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked, running the brush through my hair. I shrugged.

"I don't know where to start," I said.

"Start at the beginning," she suggested. "Then go into the middle. Stop after the end." I giggled and leaned backward, bumping into her gently.

Even I had to admit we looked pretty bad ass in our full camo suits. Alice had, of course, gotten the sizes and styles perfect and the heavier fabric didn't pull or make any noise. Apparently, humans spent millions of dollars every year on the research and development of fabrics that were quiet and blocked the scent of the hunter, enabling them to stalk animals better. Who knew it could actually be useful to a bunch of vampires.

"I believe her, she's just scared of what we'll think. We should trust her. I'm sorry for the way I acted Bella" Jasper spoke again. I nodded to him.

"Prove it." Emmett boomed. I moved over to a tree at the edge of the meadow and pulled it out using 1 hand. They gaped at me.

"And to think I challenged you to a arm wrestle" Rose snorted and I laughed.

* * *

I got these from the stories I have read on here. I will credit them ASAP but PM me if you want to know as where 1 came from as I can tell you immediatly. More coming soon. I did have the m colour coded but I lost that on the fromating so you have to guess where 1 starts and 1 ends.

FelicityT


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